The Silver Lining

It has been a rough week at our house...oh wait, every week is a rough week, I forgot that for a minute. But isn't that the trick to life? Looking for the silver lining, opening our eyes wide enough to see the beauty that sits plainly in front of our faces if we'll just SEE it. Sounds easy enough to say, but let's face it, the reality is sometimes all you really want to do is squeeze your eyes shut so tight it gives you a headache, put your head under a pillow, stick your fingers in your ears and start singing "la la la la la la I can't hear you la la la la". Amidst all the chaos this week here are the top ten silver linings that jumped out at me.

10. No more school!!! I get to have Erika home!!!!
9. Walking out onto a clean porch (you have no idea!)
8. Having the opportunity to say "thank you" to three people who truly deserve it.
7. Laughing until my face hurt with a friend.
6. Sitting in the living room showing Erika how to play the guitar and making up silly songs ("E for Erika, G for girl, D for dimwitted...no you're not, A for allstar...you're that a lot")
5. Kail whispering to me as I leave his bedside "Mama? Sweet dreams."
4. Standing on the back porch witnessing a glimpse of heaven...sunlight shimmering and sparkling and transforming a wall of rain drenched leaves into something...well, words just fail.
3. Witnessing a wedding and remembering my own.
2. Holding a friend's hand when she needed a hand the most.
1. Hearing the sounds of three little angels laughing while I watched them play in the rain.

The hardest part? Narrowing it down to ten. I am blessed. What about you?

A Day In The Life of "I've ABSOLUTELY Lost My Mind"

Picture this...Me. Standing outside of Marshalls patting my butt over and over and over again trying to convince myself that if I pat it one more time my keys will magically reappear in my back pockets. I wonder what those people in the parking lot were thinking...hmmmmm. Grab Jackson's hand and walk back into store...
(Me to the lady that just checked me out)..."I've lost my keys in the store. If anyone finds and brings a set up here they are mine."
(The nice checkout lady)..."Oh dear. Go retrace your steps and see if you can find them."
(The gentleman at the checkout counter gracious enough not to bust out laughing)..."They wouldn't be the ones hanging out of your front pocket there would they?"
I look down and lo and behold...
(Me to the kind gentleman who has still managed to refrain from laughing)..."Yup, those would be the ones."
He actually waited until I was back outside the store before hee-hawing. I didn't.

In A Word

Bear with me for a minute....I've just got to get this off my chest. What is it with all the absurdly inconsequential drama? People need to get some (in a word) p-e-r-s-p-e-c-t-i-v-e!

Son of My Heart

I don't talk about life with Jackson much unless you're family. Our journey together has been life altering for both of us. I know there are a lot of you who don't know our story, (ask me someday and I might give you a glimpse), but I will say that our story is a lot like those movies you see of somebody leaving a baby on a doorstep, just put a phone call in between that and the doorstep, the baby is already 2 and you pretty much have the gist, minus the "They lived happily ever after"...we're still working very, very hard on that part. That he was meant to be my son there is no doubt, and that knowledge held close to my heart is what helps us get through most of our days. That and an enormous amount of heavenly help. Why I'm writing about it now (nearly four years after his arrival) I'm not exactly sure, it suprises me probably more than it does those of you (the very, very few of you) who have traveled this journey with us. Maybe because I looked at this picture and saw a real smile on his face that didn't stop at the mouth, but was in his eyes also. He looks like a happy boy! It brings me to my knees when I see it. My son of the heart. My bruised and broken and four-times-abandoned little boy who cringed at my touch, and literally spat in the face of my love and devotion to him. My boy who can now curl up in my lap after his bath at night and on occasion let me rock him and just be with him, relaxed, guard down, allowing himself to love and be loved. I can't describe what a miracle that is. Those moments are getting less and less rare. Sometimes on an exceptionally rare good week they can be daily. Roughly a year after he came to our home I put in the song "You Are Loved" by Josh Groban, picked him up and began to dance. It was the very first time he ever let me love him and from that moment on every time he has heard or hears that song he says "That's my song Mama." Four years later I still spend my days battling for his heart and would be lying if I didn't admit that most days I want to give him a shovel so he can go dig his own hole, but I love my boy Jackson. Come hell or high water I've loved that boy and always will, forever. He has taught me lessons I never could have learned without him. He has profoundly changed my life. Our trek is far from over, but every step we take together is one more step towards our happily ever after. Think of how much sweeter it will be when we arrive knowing what we have journeyed through together. Take a minute to close your eyes and listen to our song that we still dance to together (Josh Groban..."You Are Loved". You can go down to the bottom of this page and click on it in the playlist). It says all that I ever want him to know, that and that he is worth it all. My boy Jackson, my son of my heart.

Animal At Play

Spring season soccer games are under way and our little animal has come out to play! Weekend before last Erika and her team-mates took second place in their first tournament of the season. She scored her first goal that was described in the official write-up as an "Erika Blaine thunderbolt!" Well, it did scare the goalie so bad she ducked. The conditions were NASTY, water standing all over the fields, mud slinging with every move, raining and freezin' cold... and the girls still went after it! Watching Erika play is an absolute blast! When she allows herself to let loose there ain't nobody getting in her way. It has been a lot of fun to see the girls develop into a real team, runnin' up to each other to celebrate after they score, watchin' them watch each other's backs, seein' them encourage each other on and off the field. They are an exceptional group of kids and I don't just mean talent, I mean character. I'm so glad she has an opportunity to be a part of Paris Danger. To read the full write-up or to keep up with their season you can go to http://www.parisdangersoccer.blogspot.com

Addle-Brained

I've spent the last week after my hip surgery in an anesthesia/drug-induced fog. Apparently when I am under the influence my tongue is a little looser than I would normally allow it to be. There are a lot of holes in my memories from this past week, but a few things have managed to make it in to the "recovery" file. Such as looking at the nurse in post-op like she was a crazed-fool when she gave me my post-op instructions and almost yelling "I can't take a shower for FIVE DAYS!" Or offering my father-in-law my stockings they made me wear during surgery (trust me...it's a long story). How about telling Rebecca that I wasn't going to let Clint go to work without helping me wash my rear first. Can you really believe I said that? Fortunately there are a few really good memories that have managed to solidify their spot in my brain like Honey coming and cooking and cleaning for us, or like Rebecca coming and doing the same. Both of them have made it possible for me to actually rest like I am supposed to. (Neither one of them have allowed me to lift a finger...not even to get up and get a drink!) They have done all the running to the store, to soccer practice, to cello lessons, to school, and everything in between. I don't know WHAT I would've done without them. I love both of them so much...enough to actually not mind them coming and helping because I seem to have issues with asking anyone for anything. I know that as long as I live I will never forget Clint taking my bandages off and nearly passing out from the pain of it, then having him carry me to bed where he was sweet enough to gently brush and dry my hair for me...and make me die laughing the whole time he was at it. And I won't soon forget him staying up with me until 2am the other night when I was in such pain...and when I finally woke up the next morning and opened my eyes the first thing I saw was a glass of my favorite flowers sitting next to my side of the bed that he had stopped and picked for me on his way home from taking Erika to school. Today Kail has showered me with his sweet kisses and when I told him he was medicine for me he said "Yeah Mom, I'm purple grape medicine for you that's gonna make your hip feel better, and when I give you sugars on your nose it'll help you get better faster." He's made sure I haven't run out of healing sugars yet. Being completely dependent on others has been every bit as challenging for me as I thought it would be, but it has also really made my heart nearly burst with love and gratitude for my sweet, sweet family. I appreciate them so much for helping me have such sweet sunshine amidst the rain of recovery. They've filled my days with plenty of doses of laughter and love, the two best medicines that can't be found on a single pharmacy shelf. So, my brain might still be a little addled, but even a nit-wit like me can plainly see that my recovery has been every bit a blessed one.

My Girl

I won a photo contest last weekend with a picture I had taken of Erika two years ago (not this one). She has always been such a good sport about letting me play around with the camera on her. Such a sweet thing and so much fun! I gave her half the prize money after I won...I wouldn't have the picture if it wasn't for her in the first place, and she never cares when I ask her if I can show it to someone or when I asked her if I could enter it in to this contest. Do you know what that little monkey did with her money a couple of days later? She gave it all to Relay for Life. She's already cut her hair off twice and donated it to Locks of Love. I seriously don't know what I could ever have done to be blessed with a girl like her. She's amazing, and I'm so proud of her. My girl Erika.

Day Dreams!

I was just lookin' at Honey's blog again. Her post about her new shoes not makin' her run faster just triggered the best memory...the one of her hurtling piles of laundry. Yup! She really did it. I saw it with my own two eyes! Those short little legs just went flyin' across those six inch piles. It's a good thing she wasn't wearing whistle britches that day, they might've caught fire! Hey Honey, when you come up next week will you let me take a picture of your legs so I can superimpose a square-dancing dress on you? And no, you still can't catch me to wear me out even if I am on crutches! Love you Honey.

February RESTLESS!

Twitch, jerk, sniff blink, twitch...can anyone say cabin fever? Have I ever mentioned how much February is my least favorite month. Ever. Every year February hits and I WANT TO RUN AWAY! Okay, I'm going to la la land now. It has a warm, sunny beach and not a soul around for miles and miles and miles... Be back with drool runnin' down my chin in a while...you know where to find me if you don't get ahold of me sooner.

Medical Terminology

Sadly enough I woke up this morning to Kail bounding in my room shouting "Mama! Erika has froat!" GROAN! This is NOT good news at our house, it means somebody is huggin' the porcelain. Anyway, in the off chance you ever come to my house and hear any of the following medical terminology, I want you to know exactly what it is you might be going home with. First, "froat" is my least favorite illness. It is also known as the stomach flu, but according to Kail it is your throat stuck down in your stomach trying to come out, thus it is "throat" (pronounced froat). Second, I don't know if any of you have ever had "Stripe Throat" (aka Strep Throat), but it is definately not fun. Third, be sure that if you ever end up at the "Postodontist"(that would be Orthodontist to most lay people) that you never allow him/her to perform "C3PR" on you there. The Star Wars version of CPR is highly unsuccesful at anything but leaving you feeling like you had a light-saber crammed.......never mind. And last but not least, be sure to wear socks with your shoes because you never want to end up with "Bleachers" on your heels. They are far worse than blisters. "Foof-whee" (Whew) I'm glad I have that off my chest!

Go Honey! Go Honey!

I've waited and waited for Honey to announce her latest achievement, but since she hasn't decided to share it...I WILL! Honey was given the Heart of the Community Teacher of the Year award! CONGRATULATIONS to Honey! (Why in the world she was shocked to receive it is beyond me! Everyone knows she's a gifted teacher! I should know...I had her four times in High School myself!) Way to go Mims!

Backfire!

I have the funniest brother ever. Any of you that know him cannot deny the truth of that statement. Those of you who don't, I'm sorry you haven't had the pleasure of a few hours in his company, and to put it in perspective, those who know both of us don't think I have a sense of humor at all after knowing him. I am the "quiet" one. I defy anyone to not be pale in comparison. He thinks his latest prank may have backfired...I completely disagree. I've laughed so hard about it since he told me that my stomach and cheeks (facial ones thank you very much) are sore. A little over a month ago he decided to fill out a survey for the regional Pizza joint there in Fort Smith called Eureka Pizza. Knowing him as I do I would expect absolutely nothing less than the response he gave, which they took seriously and PUBLISHED! And so without further delay I give you the words of my famous brother John: "I really enjoyed my big, big meal from ya'll. It was so, so good! When I was done I licked my teeth and patted my stomach and said AAAAHHHHHHH." The best part of the whole thing...they included his name and city on the flyer they are delivering with every box!

Knock Knock

One of Jackson's favorite things to do is sit next to me and babble incessantly. Repeat things over and over and over and over...... The other night we were sitting at the table playing a board game and he was sitting next to me repeating "Knock knock, who's there, banana. Knock knock, who's there, banana. Knock knock, who's there, banana. Knock knock, who's there, banana. Knock knock, who's there, banana". This continued without pause for approximately 10 minutes (ask Clint if you think I'm exagerrating) when out of the blue he said "Knock knock, who's there, orange. Aren't you glad I didn't say banana?" We about fell out of our chairs laughing! First, HE TOLD A JOKE! Second, he was exactly right! I was profusely glad that he did not say banana!

Beano + Panty Hose

I just have to tell you...Erika ROCKS! She's been going to one on one soccer coaching for about eight weeks now with Coach Sean, her new soccer coach. Being her natural reserved self, she never says a word during the hour long sessions. When he picks at her she just puts her head down and grins. For eight weeks she has spent the entire hour quiet as a mouse going through drills, even playing him one on one without a peep. The other week she was sitting on the tailgate getting some water and he was pickin' at her and out of the blue she said "How do you know if a woman is wearing pantyhose?" He said "I don't know". She answered "If she farts her ankles swell up." I thought I would fall off the tailgate! His face turned blazing red and I laughed until I couldn't see straight. Eight weeks of silence and she breaks it with THAT!!!!!! I don't know, maybe you just had to be there. Either way, Becky and I decided today that maybe they should start selling Beano with each package of pantyhose just so you never give yourself away.

One Big Recessive Gene

That's me alright. One big recessive gene. It's been a joke in our family for quite some time now. Just look at my children! I did nothing but incubate them! Of course with a mug like mine I'm rather relieved they took their father's dominate genes over mine. I even have proof now....at my visit to the ENT I was told that I have significant hearing loss in both ears and there ain't nothin' I can do about it. Just look forward to hearing aids much sooner rather than later. I wish you could have seen the look of consternation on the Doctor's face when he said "Your hearing loss is attributed to a specific recessive gene" and I busted out laughing. Well of course it is! I could've told him that! I just hope that "specific recessive gene" and a few others ended with me for real. I'm sorry, what did you say?

AAAAAAHHHHH! Bluh.

According to Kail, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" is the sound a raindrop makes while it's falling and "Bluh" is the sound it makes when it hits the window. Just thought you should know.

Can't Fool Him!

I had the opportunity this morning to wake up bright and early (as usual) with Kail's hand on my face rubbing my cheek and the sounds of him giggling after he announced "I farted on you Mom!" The difference this morning was that I also had a chance to go upstairs and play with him in his room for a while since no one else was awake yet. Let me tell you, playing with Kail is ALWAYS a treat. He held up his Princess Leia figure (we were playing a combination of Star Wars and Knights of course) and asked "Where did you get this Mom?" I said, "I don't remember if it came from Wal-Mart or if I got it on the computer". He thought about this for a second then busted out laughing and said "This won't fit in the computer!" He ain't no dummy! By the way, this is Kail-Boy in his "Jerry Lewis" hat making his "Jerry Lewis" face. Our little comedian has a new idol. Sure wish you could see him dance around the living room acting like him.

Okay! Okay! A Christmas Note!

Okay! Okay! I know there are a number of families lookin' for our "Christmas letter" since all you got from us this year was a picture card. What can I say? I don't feel like writin' nuttin' and that's just the flat out truth. Let me give an update on the kids and Clint since they are all that is really important anyway. I got the pleasure of seeing Clint speechless for the first time in years last week. He was awarded the honor of ER Provider of the year! (The 1st PA to be awarded the honor over a Physician, 30 providers to choose from). I can honestly say that he deserves it and I am so proud of him. Erika continues to be our straight A animal. She told me last month that she is working on getting a scholarship to Vanderbilt. (She's 10 by the way). She said it was a very good school and not too far from home. (I like the way she thinks!) She still plays soccer, and is still learning how to play the piano. So much has been asked of her this last half of the year, and she has stepped up to the challenges we have all faced with her usual sweet, loving nature, and her typical ability to truly grasp the depth of situations so far above her years. She has never been anything but a blessing to us and I hope to someday deserve the honor of being her Mama. Kail is growing like a mad thing (his 5-year-old-foot is way more than half the length of mine)! His loving, expressive personality is a joyous salve to our hearts day in and day out. He eats, sleeps, and drinks anything Star Wars, and continues to have an imagination unlike anything I have ever seen. He is still the first one to wake up in the morning, and still comes and climbs in our bed and wakes us up with smiles and kisses. He is our resident comedian, and is definately (as he so well puts it) "ilarious!" Jackson has made the most miraculous steps this year. I do not use the word miraculous lightly. We have walked a long, hard road with him and find tremendous joy in watching his spirit heal and progress. Nothing can describe the experience of witnessing the first time he allowed himself to truly love and show it, and to witness him do it more and more frequently. He still has a rough road ahead, but we continue to feel such hope and joy in his progress. His talent for drawing continues to develop and he can build almost anything with legos. All in all, we're making it. I know I have expressed it often this past year to many of you, but I once again find my heart pleading to tell you how much we love and appreciate you. How grateful we are for the tender ways the Lord cares for our hearts, for you who he has put into our lives and who bring us such support and love and friendship. I will even go out on a limb to say that through the trials of this year I have grown to no longer just believe that anything can be achieved/borne/endured/healed with Christ, I know it to be so. I hope that you will each feel His tenderness and mercy during this season that we celebrate Him. May God bless all of you! We love you, and MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Thoughts

I've got to say that as the year is beginning to wind down, I am looking more and more forward to starting a new one. It has been a wild ride and I'm not even sure that encompasses the breadth and depth of our year in review. As most of you know, our Nana, Clint's Mom, passed away on October 25th. The experiences preceeding her passing and those following are too sacred and close to our hearts to share. I will say that I am grateful for the countless prayers and cards and kindnesses extended to us by all of you. As usual, you have encircled our family with love and we have felt your prayers holding us up. Honey, Mrs. Bailey, Mrs. Elizabeth, Shannon, Nina, Staci, Heather, I was able to pick up and leave for a month at a moment's notice, and concentrate and focus on what was important without worry because of you. How do I repay that? The last three years have really engraved upon my heart an overwhelming gratitude for close family and true friends. I recognize more clearly than ever how rare it is to be blessed with so many extraodinarily close relationships. I truly love every one of you, and hope you know that I would do ANYTHING for you. Simply put, you continually humble me. And above all, Nana, thank you for the beautiful memories, the sweet experiences, and for EVERYTHING you have taught me. I am a different and much better person because of you.

Moment Of Silence Please...

Yup. I made it. Homemade bread. Please God, don't let Clint bring home a mini-van for me to drive now.

Soccer Season Starts!

Erika's soccer season started off with a bang! Three games on Saturday. Erika had two AWESOME shots on goal!!! Our little Mad-faced animal came out to play and it was so fun to watch. Dad even wore his "Be Kind to Animal" t-shirt for support. Go get 'em Animal!

Idaho, Family, and 4th of July

I remember the first time Clint ever took me to see the 4th of July fireworks show in Idaho Falls, Idaho. It was July, 1997. I distinctly remember thinking, sure, why not, it'll be alright. We drove down and backed the truck up, tuned the radio to the station broadcasting the orchestra, crawled into the back and waited for the show to start. He had told me it was good, but I just assumed it was your run of the mill fifteen minute a few good explosions here and there and done kinda show. Boy was I shocked when it started! I literally felt the concussion from every explosion of every firework shot. The entire show was synchronized with the orchestra which played patriotic hymns throughout the 45 minute long jaw-dropping display. I sat like a little kid with my mouth hanging open and a goofy grin plastered on my face and giggled every time an explosion reverberated through my chest. It was in every sense of the word incredible and moving. Since then I have wanted to experience it again, but year after year we have ended up here or there, anywhere other than IF for the 4th. Knowing that we would be making our annual trip to visit family we planned to be there for the fourth this year, and I was not disappointed nor did I react any differently than the first time I saw it. I'm not sure who enjoyed the show more, me or my kids and nieces and nephews. Just hanging out with the family beforehand was a treat. Corinne was sweet enough to paint all the little nieces and nephews faces. They thought she was she best thing since sliced bread! It was a great way to jump start our hard core, cram it into a few days, catch up and make a memory or two visit. I still have the bruises to prove we had a good time too! All I know is that I'm looking forward to a soccer rematch with Melvin, Dillon, Corinne, William, Alison, James, Erika, and Clint. (Please Melvin? The soccer ball is your friend.) We even managed to make time for a "little" hike with Papa. That cave didn't look that far away and the trail definately didn't look that steep. We know for sure that Papa's bionic knees are built to last, Kail can climb at a 30 degree angle without gasping for air and keepin' up a steady commentary with every step, Erika has her D's eagle eye for the coolest fossils, and Jackson's little egg beaters can make it, can make it, can make it one step at a time. You can see from the pictures that the "cool lookin' cave" was really GIANT and way in the heck up that thar mountainside. Beautiful views, cool lava formed rocks, stinging mint, and the fresh smell of sage (I made sure to grab a handful and put it in a bag for later sniffage too). We never found the indian writings we were looking for, but exploring was soul-expanding. Being out in Skull Canyon with nothing but the sound of the wind, the smell of the wildflowers blooming, and views to take your breath away at every turn...it was easy for the sense of time to slip away and feel like you were standing and seeing and smelling and feeling what any human had experienced in the same spot for 1000's of years. It was definately good for my inner-Kelly. But above the fireworks and hiking and breathing the wide open air, the best part of our vacation was definately the essence of sitting and playing cards with the family and laughing and reminiscing, of being in the same room watching our children make memories with each other, of making inside jokes and talking in monotone, snapping photos of family, choking up at tender moments between Nana and Papa, Nana or Papa and a grandchild, or any of the rest of us that make up the Blaine family. We came home feeling a renewed love and appreciation for all our family that has only magnified over the last few days as we have learned of Nana's new struggle with cancer. The memories are honed and clarified and cherished and precious. Every moment we are blessed to spend with those we belong to, those we are bound to, those who we love beyond words are just that...a blessing. Beyond words. I am grateful for the new memories, the old memories, and the ones yet to be made. I am grateful to not only be a Sutton, but to also be a Blaine.

Dam Fun

In the words of Ralph Waldo Emerson (whom I consider to be a genius) "It is one of the blessings of friends that you can afford to be stupid with them." That is one of the things we love about hanging out with Sherman and Missy and their adorable boys! We got to go see their gorgeous new house (Sherman built it, what do you expect?) and watch Missy shake up the salad dressing. Kail and Kolby had a blast, and Erika wanted to stow Kevin in her suitcase and take him with her. We got to top off the trip with a beautiful drive through Flaming Gorge and a tour of the dam where at least one of the kids nearly got to sleep with the fishes but ended up feeding them with everyone else instead. Nothing can replace friends that are family, or being able to be apart for a year and pick up right where you left off. It is good to know that some things never change...like how little time it takes to... well, I guess you just had to be there. We love you guys!